He was scared of commitment with two tattoos on his body.

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Hope you remember me.The girl who loved you more than herself, the girl who made you her entire world despite knowing that she was just another contact on your phone who you texted whenever you got tired of your busy life.Maybe I was good for your ego, maybe I was some kind of an achievement or a trophy that you could brag about in front of your friends, maybe I was a placeholder, maybe you liked knowing that someone was always available to answer your calls regardless of the time and situation, maybe you liked seeing someone trying that hard to you.There is a whole sea of ‘maybe’s where I am standing right now drowning in my thoughts, questioning my own identity. And I am the only one to be blamed for this because I decided to continue swimming even after hearing the forecast of the coming storm but my mistake was that I considered you as my lifeguard. You can call me insane for doing what I did, just like what everyone else is saying about me.

When you entered my life, I was so terrified to let my guard down, I used to build some kind of a wall around myself so that no one could hurt me, you came and promised me that you will be there to help me and slowly you broke that wall brick by brick. I started to believe that you were my savior. I finally told you my darkest secrets and let you see my deepest wounds. I told you that I was getting addicted to you, to your presence, to your company. You remained at the top of my chatting list.

I tried my best to not fall for you but my destiny tried it’s best to make me do exactly that. You always said the right things at the right time till one day I finally realized that you were literally the person I always wanted to be with. With this realization, I switched on my self-destruction mode.

Soon you started changing and I stood there puzzled by your behavior. Your long texts got shorter by the second. Everything about me that you previously admired now irritated the hell out of you. You didn’t have time for me anymore and I started blaming myself, thinking that I may have done something wrong. I kept waiting day and night to hear from you and you were too busy to hear my break down on the phone.I kept losing myself every time you didn’t answer my call, every time you chose someone else over me. I was always available for you and that bothered you so you chose your plans over me always. I fought with everyone who said anything bad about you, losing my friends I kept defending you just to be called a “fool” by the end of it all.

Today I am feeling sick and really tired, tired of finding reasons for everything just to stay with you. You made me believe that I could be ‘someone’s sometimes’ but could never be ‘someone’s forever’.

The journey of loving you was never easy for me, I kept giving up on my self-respect because I was too stubborn to let go of your ego. Finally, the day arrived when my biggest fears turned into reality. You decided to leave me by saying, “It’s my mistake, I am sorry.” You know what, your 6 words were enough to tear me apart into a thousand pieces. Nothing can be worse than being called your lover’s mistake, that the best thing that ever happened to you is guilty of you. I still wondered if it would have hurt any less had you just left without naming my pure love as some unforgivable sin of yours.Every night I cried myself to sleep trying to figure out what went wrong, I still blamed myself for everything. I screamed, why wasn’t I good enough, shouted your name out loud but you were nowhere to be seen. You made a soul die. I loved you, I still do but now it’s time for me to close this chapter and burn the entire book.

One thing I can promise you, you will look for me in the people you love. One day I’ll be the one not answering your calls, one day I’ll just scroll down your post and status because they’ll not matter then or maybe I don’t even have to do that because you’ll be in my block list. You’ll search for my hand whenever you feel lost. You’ll miss my voice when you badly want someone to listen to you.One day you’ll miss me, my texts, my attention, my efforts, the way I apologized after every fight even if it was not my mistake because for me there was no point in winning an argument over you. You will miss how I cared, my love because it’s rare what I had offered you.One day you’ll hear songs that will make you miss me and you will change it as fast as possible. You’ll regret everything and you’d wish you could apologize. And I’ll not be there looking at my phone screen for hours and hours, waiting for your one text to fix everything.I promise, you’ll realize it but that will be too late because till then I’d have unloved you with every fiber of my being. I’ll walk past you not even noticing your presence. Today I realizes my worth, I know I shouldn’t have to cry myself to sleep. I don’t deserve it.

Now I know you can never be that someone. So losing you is not actually a loss for me, I had lost someone who shouldn’t be there in the first place but you have lost someone who did everything to keep you in that place.

Goodbye To the one I loved!

I hope you liked it!

Hope to hear from you soon.

Sonam Kanotra